Freefall

I cancelled my counselling appointment on Tuesday. My counsellor rang me at 3.30pm on Wednesday, which is when I should have had my appointment. I didn't answer. She's been ringing me every since then and I have ignored all of her 9 calls. That probably makes me a bad person, but I don't want to talk to her. I don't know what to say but I can't go back.

On Thursday morning (yesterday) I went to see my GP. Every time I go there, that wait in the waiting room is dreadful. Every time I want to turn around and run and keep running until I lose where I am and lose the sense of reality. But I didn't run, I waited. I waited to hear her call my name and I walked down the corridor to her room. I sat down. And I burst into tears and cried for a solid 10 minutes - thankfully I had a double appointment. She looked concerned. I tried to explain why I was crying, but it didn't make sense to me, so I doubt it made sense to her. I explained that I had cancelled the counselling session and that they kept ringing me. She said that they would be worried about me because I'm so "vulnerable and fragile" and by ringing me they are "providing a safety net". It already feels too late for a safety net, I've already fallen and each time I think I've stopped falling, I fall some more.

I have to go back in two weeks. But right now I need to keep it together long enough to pass my exams. I'm terrified that I'm going to walk into that exam room, open the paper and not know anything. I've worked so hard. But. It won't be enough. It never is.

After 10 minutes of crying then a further 10 minutes of trying and failing to make sense of everything, I did what I do best, switch into autopilot mode and go to school for revision sessions.

So I think this is it. I think I have, as some people might phrase it, lost it. I'm freefalling and it's never going to stop.