I had my pre-operation assessment appointment on Wednesday. It went as well as can be expected (it didn't go well...that was expected). I am very grateful for the NHS, without it I would be living in poverty or have crippling debts and I definitely wouldn't have started to accept the fact that I need help. But despite that, my levels of frustration are increasing rapidly.
Upon arrival I was told what would be happening during the course of the 4 hours that I would be there. All seemed to be going well; I was medically checked by a juniour doctor and was still fairly calm considering I was in my least favourite place. Then I saw my consultant. This is where it started to go downhill a bit. One would assume that having been given a pre-op appointment, a date for my operation had been given. No. Of course not. I have been waiting to have this operation since January, but it's been over a year since I first started having problems with my hip. I was told that if I was to have the operation on the NHS I would have to wait until October. Bearing in mind, I am meant to be going to university in York, in September, that is not the best news. There is a government set 18 week wait target for any treatment on the NHS; I have done the Maths, I have gone over 18 weeks by a long stretch.
After that piece of news an agreement was reached between my mum, my consultant and I, meaning I would be going private, hopefully having surgery by the end of July - I'm yet to hear whether this will be possible, but I'm pretty much given up hope.
I'm now facing the decision of accepting having surgery in October, meaning I can't go to university, or having the operation privately. Either way, because of the increase of tuition fees, it would cost the same amount. I can honestly say I do not know what to do, it's one of the hardest choices I think I'm ever going to have to make, and by far the hardest I've faced thus far in my life.
On Friday (yesterday, at the time of writing this) my contact nurse rang me to say that there's been a slight problem with my blood test results. Now read "slight" as "major" and then add in the tone of panic in her voice. In the lab tests, my blood hasn't been clotting, which is potentially serious considering I am having major surgery - I don't fancy bleeding to death on the operating table. I am now having an urgent blood test on Monday to ensure that this is the case, and not a mistake in the lab. This is when my little brain started doing what is does best and put two and two toegther and came up with five. I reread the instruction leaflet which came with some of my medication which I have been taking for my hip. Rare but serious side effects include blood disorders. Other side effects include random bruising, hair loss and the feeling that you're going to have a nose bleed, all of which I have been experiencing. It would also explain why, when I have cut myself (either by mistake of intentionally) that I have literally poured blood and the healing process has been incredibly slow.
Needless to say, I have stopped taking said medication and will be raising it with my GP on Monday, after I've had my blood test.
In a previous post, I said that I promised myself that I would ring the counselling place and arrange to see a different counsellor and make some attempt to talk through everything which has been happening. I didn't stick to that promise, but yesterday I went to the place, spoke to the manager, freaked out, but was told that someone would ring me as an urgent case on Monday. I'm not sure how I feel about this, I'm proud of myself for actually doing it, but I suppose the evident level of worry that the manager had has left me feeling slightly uneasy. He said that there had been a great deal of concern when I cancelled my previous appointment and then ignored numerous phonecalls, but he was also openly concerned by how panicked I was yesterday. I was repeatedly asked to sit still, which I couldn't do, I had to be reminded to breathe and I appeared agitated.
I feel exhausted. I am terrified about the hip situation and any further possible complications. I fear myself and what I could do next, more so now because cutting myself could have potentially very dangerous consequences, which is not ever my intention. The wall of protection I've built over the past however many months seems to have falling down, and I am scared about what that will expose.
No comments:
Post a Comment