regret

I don't feel very good today. It could be a massive come down from the large quantities of drugs that have been pumped through my system since Monday (finally had surgery, but that requires a whole other blog post and now I'm not in the right place).

Yesterday I cut myself. Before hand it was all I could think about. I knew that it was only a matter of time before I gave into the voices and did as they said. They'd been quiet for a few days, I miss that quiet. So yes, I gave in, And yes, I regretted it instantly. But I didn't regret it enough to not do the same thing again today.

Cry.

Guilt.

Sick.

Panic.


Yesterday the counselling centre rang me. Two and a half weeks I have been waiting for that phonecall. Two and a half weeks ago was when I dragged myself there because I didn't trust myself to be at home by myself. And what do I do? Ignore the call. Just as I have been ignoring the fact that they have been ringing me every 30 minutes sience 2pm this afternoon. I don't want to talk. I don't know what to say. Yes, I have fucked up. I gave in and I hate myself for it. I want my happy bubble back. But most of all, I want to know what the hell is wrong with me. I cannot do this.