Today I had my second counselling appointment. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm glad I went. I hated every minute of it and couldn't get out of the building quick enough.
I went in with an open mind. I was honest in how I felt, I admitted to self harming and answered the questions which I was asked. A few too many conclusions were drawn from the hour appointment/session, whatever I should call it.
I'm a grief stricken teen who can't cope with the loss of her best friend and her father. I've turned to self harm because I am over stressed and can't absorb anymore emotion. I don't have a degree in counselling, so maybe I should listen to what they say, but really? As evil as it sounds, I have no memories about my father, so it is very hard to have emotions about someone who I didn't know. Yes, of course I wish I had a father, but do I miss him? I always feel like a bit of a fraud when I go to his grave...like he's not my father to miss. In an ideal world, I would have a father, but I can't change it.
When you lose your best friend, it's like part of you dies too. There will always be part of you which wonders "if I'd done this differently maybe..." or "what if..." I will always hold the blame. Nothing can change that, countless people have said "it's not your fault", but the truth is, I'm pretty sure they would feel the same if they were in the same position. I cared about her. I loved her. And I let her down. Three years have passed, and I still miss her. So maybe there is an element of truth of saying I can't cope with her loss, but I can't change it.
As for the self harm, the truth behind it is I cut to control the pain I'm in. I can't control the pain from my hip/knee, but this I can. That small amount of control grounds me. Some people are strong. Others are weak. The message I've got from today is that I'm a weak person; that makes me feel rubbish and worse about myself.
I would like to cut myself. I feel like my wall of protection has been knocked down and now everyone can see me for who I am: a fucked up teenager who can't control herself. And that realisation truly sucks,
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