the truth is...

The time is 9.50am. And I have cut.

On the surface, that would seem like it is a bad start to the day, when actually it's anything but that. It was an amazing sensation watching the blood run down my leg. I can't really explain it, I know it's wrong and like I discovered yesterday, people can judge you as a weak person, but I can't stop.

I know I'm slipping. I'm slipping back into the habit of not being able to manage the smallest of things without resorting to hurting myself. I'm hurting on the inside, so I have to hurt myself on the outside. And the worst part is, I can't even explain why I'm hurting so much. I can work out the things which aren't right: exams, health, school, parental job insecurity. But I can't link those reasons to my actions. All I know is that when I cut, I feel better. That feeling of "betterness" lasts for a while and then I remember. The way I see it, unless I stop thinking, I can't break this cycle.

I want to cry and cry but I can't. I don't have the ability to cry anymore. I have single handedly pushed so many people away and only now am I starting to realise the consequences of this. Right now, I need someone to sit down next to me and give me a hug and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Even if I don't believe them, I need to hear it.

I guess the truth is, I am feeling incredibly lonely and isolated from the world.