let's start again

Today I cannot explain how I feel, not a great start for my blog, or in this case, not a great restart to my blog. So why did I start this blog? I am clearly not all that good with words so why am I writing? I have failed at communication, so maybe a blog is the answer. Actually my doctor and counsellor suggested it. I can't (and won't) talk about how I feel face to face with someone, so this, in many ways is an outlet.

In all honesty, I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't even remember when it started. I could bullet point everything which makes me unhappy, but it seems somewhat heartless. I guess the starting point was three years ago: my best friend killed herself. Shortly after this, I started self harming. In the space of a few months, this slowly got worse and I was very close to taking my life. I blamed myself for my friend's death, and to a certain extent, still do. It says a lot about a friendship when you don't notice someone is that unhappy.

Two years and various self injuries later, we find ourselves in January 2010 I stopped self harming. I got a hammer and smashed my wrist and that was the last thing I did. I got help, although to this day, no one knows what actually happened, I have always and will always stick to the story of slipping on ice. Getting help from medical professionals symbolised the end. I felt safe. I trusted myself.

So why am I writing this now? Well, I'm self harming again. I'm a little bit messed up, some people have referred to me as crazy. I hear voices. I don't really know who I am anymore. The triggers? A2 exams in a matter of weeks - geography and philosophy, the latter I am definitely failing at the moment. A university place depending on me getting decent grades. A group of school friends discovering alcohol and spending a lot of time (and money) drinking - something which doesn't really appeal to me. I drink to numb, not something which can necessarily be done in public. My mum is going to lose her job...cheers government. And the small matter that for the past year I've had ongoing hip problems and pain, resulting in very little sleep, reduced mobility and my life being turned upside down with the news that this summer I'm having major surgery, meaning crutches, more pain and no summer lovin'. Could be worse sure, but right now, I feel pretty rubbish. It's one thing after another.

But when did it all truly start? I remember feeling sad, incredibly sad. Loosing interest in school and other people, spending hours staring at the ceiling of my room hoping for sleep but sleep not coming. But when does sadness become depression? I don't know. Does anyone know? Probably not.

Oh and frigus...
Noun, frīgus (genitive frīgoris); n, third declension

1.cold, coldness, coolness, chilliness
2.the cold of winter; winter; frost
3.the coldness of death; death
4.a chill, fever

maybe that sums me up.